Metamorphosis

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What do you do when you have 100’s of answers but only 1 question?

At some stage after someone leaves your life you have to let go. Sometimes you pretend to let go because logically it’s the right thing to do and hanging on to hope is so painful and stifling. Sometimes you rationalize it as wanting to hang on because you don’t want to return to believing love equals loss, and if ‘us’ is still a hope then the pain is justified. Or maybe its just withdrawal blues with an expiry date. Or maybe its madness and I need to be psychoanalyzed or drugged. So many words, so many scenarios, What ifs, Why’s, How’s, It was them, It was me, it was the timing, more words, the childish games, the pointless attacks, the heartless actions, what do the planets say, what does I Ching tell me, my 14th Tarot reading this week might help, does that mean I get them back, empty rituals, empty words, looking for answers to avoid the open painful torturous gaping wound pulsing inside……AAAAAHHHHHHHH.

The mind can’t solve this one.

Osho explains it beautifully.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, That is just the “in love” state that any of us can feel we are. Some people are addicted to only this state. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Love is inside you and doesn’t rely on an outside object to project it onto. It just is. There is no answer, it just is. It’s music that you can feel and dance to either alone or with others. A person who professes love and makes a bunch of passive, sentimentalized, set of hollow declarations where nothing is at stake and no actions are taken is in need of a projector screen not another human. Aristophanes, in Plato’s Symposium, says that before we incarnated in our present forms we were spherical beings containing both genders, but on this plane we are fractured into specific bodies. A painful and illusory consequence of this split is that we seek some other to complete us, to be our “other half.” I don’t agree. I believe you can rediscover the inner wholeness you always had within and then you would be in a great place to have healthy, relationships without addictive, obsessed co-dependence. The other is no longer there to fill a need or whole, or provide the body to manifest and project your needs. They are there to share the journey with you.

Osho goes on to say:

..the pain of loss is just to make you more alert because people become alert only when the arrow goes deep into their heart and wounds them. When life is easy, comfortable, convenient no one bothers to be alert. When a loved one dies, or when you are separated from the person you love, those are the occasions when, if you use them, you can become aware. The pain is not to make you miserable, the pain is to make you more aware.

Words and logic can’t show you that. The answers are not anywhere outside you. They have been inside you the whole time. Words can tell you this in so many different ways, but only you can know this. And when you are aware, misery disappears. Intellectually I knew this, but to adopt it I had to let go. Not by making him the bad person, or me the victim, filling my wants with another person, busying my days with empty activity, but letting go with love. Easier said than done! It took 6 months to learn all of this. But knowing it and doing it are two different things. I traveled to five different countries in this period. But the thing about traveling is that you take yourself with you. At some stage you have to sit still and travel inside yourself no matter how painful. It’s only there that you find the source of the wound and can start to heal. My mind had been my best friend for so long. It helped me survive. But looking back I saw that it helped me hide, escape, manipulate, alienate and mislead. I had to take away the reigns, but I didn’t know how. You can’t turn your mind against itself, its already got a heads up!

Epiphany. A dark forest. A path strewn with dead leaves. A man comes across an overturned carriage, searching. She appears wearing a black wedding dress, holding red roses in her hand. Children surround her. But words do nothing, words are empty. You can’t talk to her, you can only feel her. His heart closes in fear. She fades away.

When your heart closes your inner eyes close and you become blind to love. But once those eyes open, even for a second, you can’t un-see, you can’t un-feel, you can’t un-love. You can only build up walls around your heart brick by brick, but its so powerful that like a volcano it will erupt, either in illness, addiction, aggression, or it will implode in depression. Denial can only take you so far.  Dark cannot exist without Light. No cannot exist without Yes. Death cannot exist without life. Pain cannot exist without happiness. And loss cannot exist without love. They all come and go through the same doors so to have one you also have the other. There is no compromise or negotiation. No control over this one. I really wanted love, so I accepted the loss, and it hurt like hell.

WHAT A LOAD OF ABSOLUTE AND UTTER CRAP.

I did none of the above. I knew it, but did not DO it. I rationalized it all.

Here is a reference from Wikipedia: “Rationalization (also known as making excuses) is an unconscious defense mechanism in which perceived controversial behaviors or feelings are logically justified and explained in a rational or logical manner in order to avoid any true explanation, and are made consciously tolerable – or even admirable and superior – by plausible means. Rationalization encourages irrational or unacceptable behavior, motives, or feelings and often involves ad hoc hypothesizing. This process ranges from fully conscious (e.g. to present an external defense against ridicule from others) to mostly subconscious (e.g. to create a block against internal feelings of guilt). People rationalize for various reasons. Rationalization may differentiate the original deterministic explanation of the behaviour or feeling in question. Sometimes rationalization occurs when we think we know ourselves better than we do.”

Some people hit the bottle, pick up a quick fix fling, drown their sorrows in a tub of ice cream and tears, or smoke it away. Me? I rationalize everything, mainly for the purpose of being in the right, where the power is. The path has a destination and is not intrinsic to itself. I believe everything I say about unconditional love and facing loss, I just hadn’t done it.

The details I give you about my life are all true, but what about all the things I left out? What about the other perspectives?

The truth is I was scared and did not trust myself to get through the pain. I was afraid I would fall and never get back up. I was still in control and it was working against me. Jealousy, fear, despair and apathy were running rife inside me. I was eroding slowly and was so lost and miserable, addicted to the burden. The truth is I didn’t know how to let go of it. I didn’t know HOW.

Its at this point of exhaustion that we surrender. All your defenses and gap fillers break apart and the emptiness settles in. Desperation flutters in and out, but everything smashes to pieces when you have outgrown personas. Its time to evolve, and its best just to keep still and let it happen. You do eventually move forward again on your journey and trust the unknown a little more. And sometimes you wake up and realize the loss isn’t of a person, but of the person you wanted them to be, your projection. Sometimes we conjure up a person to meet our need to express love. Sometimes you realize that that person is actually nothing that you think s/he is, and everything you knew s/he wasn’t. A dream and memory you wanted to believe to validate all the love you have pouring out of you. Sometimes you wake up and the dream is gone, and the love remains. It needs no target. Unrequited love is a fallacy. How many of you have loved someone who does not return the same affection. How many of you have been secretly pleased when you hear your love object is not doing so well. How many of you manipulate the situation to hurt the person you supposedly love, become vindictive, ruthless, controlling, blackmailing. Unrequited love is not love. Its an expectation and validation of your projection, a non-return on your investment, it’s a win/lose game.

Love isn’t something you look for and find. Love just is.

There is a moment when you come across this little truth, and after the tears subside and the past breaks into a million little pieces, you wake up.

Linkin Park – Iridescent

Metamorphosis

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