My brother was shot on October 6. He was due to leave the country and head home October 7 now that the airport had reopened and peace was imminent. He went out to say goodbye to some friends and never made it back. I took on the role of emotional carer to my baby brother who was 6 at the time. He idolized his older brother.
My baby brother was not told of the fatality. He was told that he had to get on a plane sooner than expected and was not able to say goodbye. This was to protect him from the truth. If I ever witnessed a heart break before my very eyes it was my brother’s. It is a pain I will always hold in my own heart.
Over the following months we put down our guns and all returned home, to my baby brother’s delight. He was to be reunited with his hero. But the story took a drastic turn and his hero suddenly decided to study in another country. Once again the proverbial knife dug deeper into his tiny chest.
When we arrived home and settled in I watched my beautiful baby brother slowly lose faith in everything. His heart break and separation was too much for him to bear. I could not bear it any longer myself. I carried his pain with him every step of the way in silence. I approached him one day when he was 7 and made him a promise: “If you ask me anything at all about our older brother, I promise to tell you nothing but the truth.” He pondered this and over the next few weeks he quietly came into my room, sat on the end of my bed, and asked. I told him everything. I was then able to hold him as he suffered the delayed loss. I have supported him in the healing process from that day forward.
I defied my family’s wishes, conditions, denials and repressions, for love and truth. In return I healed myself. I also got a very good insight into how much more pain you can inflict on others and yourself when you hide behind armour.
This virtual turf where you find my stories is a monument for my brother, a beautiful projection who time and time again kept the flame of truth lit in my heart. He often stood in place of my reflection in my mirror to remind me of it. A beautiful lie. I may have turned my back on it at times, but after a few trials and losses, I returned.
Many things have changed since I have written my story. Changes happen quickly when you let go. I’ve only become conscious since loving my lies.
I no longer see broken pieces of a distorted reflection. I’ve pieced it all together.
If I exist simply to be love, then for all the pain & lies it was worth it.
Thank you for reading.
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